


Kathryn, Undone

by janebae



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Janeway starts to deal with her PTSD from being stranded in the DQ, Post-Endgame, Post-Episode: s07e25 Endgame (Star Trek: Voyager), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:33:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26452645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janebae/pseuds/janebae
Summary: Captain Janeway is required by Starfleet to see Counselor Troi to begin processing her PTSD from her time in the Delta Quadrant.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway & Deanna Troi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

“You know why you’re here. Why don’t you tell me a little about your experiences in the Delta Quadrant?” 

A sharp, hoarse laugh escaped before Kathryn could hold it back. The only reason she was here was because it was required by Starfleet. “How do you think it went?” she deflected, with a wry half smile.

Deanna sighed gently, waiting patiently for Kathryn to come to the conclusion that therapy was necessary. There was clearly some severe trauma here, Deanna could feel it the moment Kathryn had walked into the room. It almost brought her to her knees, the weight of all the captain still held on those small shoulders. Only staunch professionalism and years of experience kept her from showing how much Kathryn’s inner turmoil affected her. She leaned back in her chair, watching Kathryn closely. “We’re not here to discuss my thoughts. We’re here to discuss yours.”

Kathryn felt a small chill and her shoulders shivered involuntarily. There was something that unnerved her about the counselor. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her, though she was wary of trusting anyone these days. They had met before, in passing, before Kathryn left for her mission. She had always felt that there was just something almost invasive about Deanna’s large brown eyes, and now they were trained on her in a way that made her shift uncomfortably in her seat. There was warmth and care in those eyes, too, but Kathryn wasn’t able to feel it, not yet. “What do you want to know?” she said tersely. 

“It must have been hard, out there all alone, with a whole crew relying on you to get them home safely,” Deanna said, holding eye contact with her reluctant patient. 

Kathryn met her gaze for a few seconds, then looked away with a harsh sigh. She shook her head, not even knowing where to begin. They sat there in silence for what seemed an eternity, Kathryn too stubborn to speak first, Deanna waiting her out to try and break that icy exterior. 

In a lot of ways, Kathryn was still in the Delta Quadrant. She hadn’t seen many of her crew in months, having been tied up by Starfleet red tape and various debriefings. Tom and B’elanna had been by to check on her once, bringing the new baby for her to coo over. She was growing so fast already, and new life gave her hope. Samantha Wildman had brought Naomi by as well, at the child’s insistence, and Kathryn had delighted in her little assistant captain’s quick adjustment to her new home. The Doctor called her twice a week, constantly bugging her about her eating and sleeping habits, reminding her that now she had no excuses for not taking care of herself. She brushed him off as she always did, but secretly his concern did make her feel loved. 

However, Harry, Seven, and Tuvok had barely spoken to her, and she hadn’t seen or heard from Chakotay since they landed. She felt she was adrift at sea, her bearings lost. Her crew had been her rock, her first officer especially, and now it was though they were scattered in the wind, each wrapped up in their own lives and families. Though her mother and sister had welcomed her home, she felt almost estranged to them. The last seven years had changed her, and even Phoebe didn’t know how to react to her anymore. She grieved the change as they had once been so close. She didn’t know how to reconnect with her only sibling and it pained her.

“You have to face this, Kathryn,” Deanna said quietly. “What you have been through is deep and profound. Seven years is a long time.” She paused, noticing Kathryn fidget in her seat. The captain’s hands gripped the seat of her chair, an external expression of the battle that was being waged within her. Deanna could sense Kathryn was about to crack. “70,000 lightyears from home. 140 people looking to you for answers, for safety, for comfort. Traversing through unknown space, unknown species ahead of you, never knowing if they are friends or enemies.” 

With every word, Deanna could feel the anger and the grief bubble up within Kathryn. The captain’s piercing blue-purple eyes narrowed. Kathryn stood and walked to the other side of the room, back turned to Deanna, hands on her hips, head down against her chest. “You really want to know what it was like?” she asked, her low voice hoarse.

“Tell me, Kathryn,” Deanna said.

“No,” Kathryn said. “I’m not doing this. There’s no point.” She turned back to Deanna, arms raised in exasperation. “I did what I had to. I got them home, safe and sound. It’s over.”

Deanna stood and walked over to Kathryn, closing the distance between them. “Oh no, Kathryn. It’s not over at all. It won’t be over until you face your feelings. I could feel it as soon as you walked in the room. There is so much pain here,” she said, tapping one perfectly manicured finger to Kathryn’s chest, right above her heart. “You have so much grief I can barely stand. Face it, Kathryn!”

“What do you want from me?” Kathryn raised her voice, something she only did when real danger was present. But in this moment, memories flashed before her eyes. The pull of the Array, landing in the Delta quadrant so far from home. The jolt of torpedoes hitting the hull. Sparks flying from panels. Crew members flung to the floor. Phaser fire. Losing Voyager, fighting to get it back. The realization that in seven years, she rarely heard her own name, and only ever from Chakotay, from whose lips it sounded like a declaration of love, even when he railed against her. That love was one she could never fulfill, though every fiber of her being pulled her to him. Seven years she denied herself the one thing she wanted most in the world, only for it to disappear as soon as her singular goal was accomplished.

“You really want to know what it was like? It was HELL.” Her chest heaved, tears filled her eyes and threatened to fall. Her lips trembled. Oh how she hated to feel this weak and small. “Every lightyear we gained was a fight. Every single lightyear. I watched my crew get injured, get sick. I watched them suffer. I watched them DIE. And they were there because of ME. I did this to them, I made that decision for everyone, blowing up the Array, the only way back home. Yes, I got them home. I had no choice, I owed it to them. It. was. HELL.” 

Deanna held her gaze, tears filling her own eyes. Waves of grief and pain and anger washed over her as Kathryn’s chest heaved again, a strangled sob escaping as she clapped her hands over her mouth, as if to hold back the tidal wave of emotion overtaking her.

Kathryn sank down onto the couch next to her, finally giving in. She wrapped her arms around herself, sobs wracking her body, tears falling freely. Deanna sat down next to her, rubbing her back gently as the captain faced the last seven years. Kathryn felt herself crumble into Deanna, all sense of professionalism gone, and she held onto the counselor as if she was the only thing that was grounding her to the earth. Nothing else seemed real to Kathryn, only Deanna and the couch beneath them. The rest of the world was a blur.

Kathryn wasn’t sure exactly how it happened, but after a while she lay on the couch, head in Deanna’s lap, Deanna stroking her hair like a mother with a distressed child. Her breathing slowed and her tears eased. She felt drained, empty.

“Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about what would have happened if I hadn’t blown it up,” she said quietly. She had so much regret from that decision, but what could she do? The alternative would have been singularly self serving and she would have doomed an entire alien race to extinction. 

Deanna ran her fingers through Kathryn’s hair, her other hand rubbing her back. “You’re only human,” she said gently. “You did the best you could with what you had.” 

Kathryn sat up gingerly, as if her body was made of glass and she could shatter any moment. Deanna went over to the sink and got her a wet rag and some tissues. Kathryn cleaned her face, eyes swollen, cheeks and nose still pink from her breakdown.

“Coffee, black,” Deanna said into the replicator, bringing it to the captain along with some water. 

“Thank you,” Kathryn said, sipping the water and handing it back before she took the coffee. They sat in silence while she drank the whole mug, the familiar warm beverage settling in her belly, the smell comforting her. 

“Kathryn, you’ve done well today. However, there is so much more for you to process and it will take time. My understanding is that you’re on leave for the next five months. Why don’t you come back next week?”

Kathryn hesitated. She really didn’t want to come back. She was not used to being taken care of, and being this vulnerable with someone she barely knew was unnerving. However, she could feel the weight of the last several years taking its toll. “I don’t really have much of a choice, do I?” 

“You can always say no,” Deanna said, reaching out to hold the captain’s free hand in both of hers. “But I will tell you that today has just scratched the surface. You are so incredibly strong, that’s something to be admired. But there is also strength in admitting when we need help.”

Kathryn smiled dryly. “I’ve never been good at that.” She sighed deeply, and went to place her empty mug in the replicator recycling. She straightened her uniform and brushed her hair back from her face. Her face softened, and a small, sad smile graced her lips. “Thank you, Deanna.”

Deanna smiled and stood to give Kathryn one last hug. “Next week then? Same time, same place?”

Kathryn took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes, counselor,” she said with a small salute. 

Once she was alone, Deanna took a deep breath and calmed her own emotions. The session was heavy, and she knew this was just the beginning. Beyond just having the weight of the world on her shoulders, it was clear Kathryn's mental state was affecting her physical health. Deanna noticed how thin she was, and had felt the nobs of her vertebrae sticking out as she rubbed her back. Given time, she fully believed Kathryn could heal, but she would never be the same as she was before she left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn muses over her first session with Counselor Troi. A bottle of wine leads to a decision to reach out to an important someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks all for your comments and kudos on the first chapter! Honestly I haven't written in a long time, so your encouragement is much appreciated, especially since this all just started with an idea to have our Katie girl get some desperately needed therapy. Not sure where this will ultimately go, but thank you for coming along for the ride :)

When Kathryn finally got back to her new apartment in San Francisco, she kicked off her boots and flopped down face first onto the bed. She lay there for quite some time, staring at the wall. I really need some art, she thought. She hated blank walls. She mused over the session and realized how right Deanna was. There was so much turmoil within her still, and she woke up every morning confused for a moment until she realized that she was safe at home on Earth. After a full month back home she still was not used to the morning sun shining through the window. Safety somehow didn’t feel, well, safe. She had become so accustomed to the fight to survive that she no longer knew how to function without constant threats to her life.

Kathryn didn’t know how long she laid there. She must have napped, because once she woke up the sun was beginning to set. Her stomach growled, and for the first time in a long time she actually felt like eating something. She replicated Welsh rarebit, her favorite comfort food, and actually sat at the table instead of standing over the sink to eat.

Later, she eased herself into a hot bath, letting the hot water soak away the aches and pains she still felt from her outburst earlier in the day. For the first time, she felt age was catching up with her. Her body hurt all over, her emotional turmoil externalized. She took a sizable swig of the red wine she got as a return gift from an old Academy friend and let herself relax, bubbles surrounding her. 

With her body at ease, Kathryn’s thoughts finally turned to Chakotay. A pain bloomed at her breastbone, a dull ache that appeared whenever she thought of him these days. She missed her crew so much, but she missed him even more. A small tear traced it’s way down her cheek, and she wiped it angrily away. How silly she was, crying over a man. 

But he wasn’t just any man. He was the reason she survived the journey home. And now he was with Seven. It pained her that he had pursued someone else, but Seven… Seven was her protege, her mentee, whose separation from the Borg collective Kathryn counted among her greatest accomplishments in the Delta Quadrant. As a person, Seven meant more to her than almost anyone. Anyone, that is, except for Chakotay. 

She resigned herself to letting the tears fall silently. She couldn’t remember the last time she had cried, really cried, especially not twice in the same day. Admit it, Katie, you’re miserable. Her father’s voice echoed in her head, which only made her cry harder. She missed him dearly too, especially now.

Kathryn had achieved her goal, she got her crew home. Everything was all right, but at the same time, everything felt so wrong. She felt out of place, out of time, floating, detached. She let her body slide down in the tub until she was completely submerged, eyes shut tight. She laid still in the tub until she felt her lungs rebel, and then let out a fierce, desperate scream under the water. Sitting up, she gasped for air, clutching her legs to her chest and leaning her head on her knees. She sat like that until the water was cold, only getting out when she began to shiver.

One soft blue nightgown and two glasses of wine later, Kathryn sat on her bed with ankles crossed, holding her com badge in one hand and the wine glass in the other. Maybe it was the courage the wine gave her, maybe it was just looking for comfort after such an overwhelming day, but she tapped the badge. 

“Janeway to Chakotay,” she said quietly, sure it wouldn’t work. He would have to be within 500 kilometers, and she wasn’t even sure he was on Earth at all. Come to think of it, while Starfleet had forgone prosecution of the former Maquis members of her crew, she still hadn't heard whether Chakotay would stay on with them officially. Her heart hammered in her chest as the seconds stretched on without a response. She was barely breathing when she heard it.

“Captain. I thought you’d never call.” His voice was like warm honey to her ears. But there was almost a curtness to his reply. Suddenly, she wasn’t so sure this was a good idea. She sat quietly until he spoke again. “Kathryn?” This time, his voice was almost pleading. Maybe he did miss her after all.

Kathryn cleared her throat. “Yes, I’m here.” She paused, then asked, “Are you alone?” She heard a soft chuckle come through the combadge. The memory of his dimpled smile flashed through her mind.

“Yes, I’m alone. I guess you’re still in San Francisco?” 

“Yes, I’ve taken an apartment, for now.” She paused again, letting the wine build her up. “We should talk. In person.”

“I know.” His voice was quiet.

“Dinner tomorrow? Like old times?” she asked, hating how desperate she sounded.

“Like old times,” he said, confirming. “Good night, Kathryn.”

She sighed, wishing she could just see him now. But the courage given to her by the wine was waning and she was beginning to get sleepy. “Good night, Chakotay.”

Kathryn fell into an uneasy sleep, full of dreams about Voyager and the dinner awaiting her tomorrow. She didn’t know what lay ahead, or how she would come to terms with his new role as Seven’s partner. Either way, she missed her best friend. It was better to have him platonically than not at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay comes over to Kathryn's for dinner and they get reacquainted.

Kathryn smoothed damp palms over the simple black pantsuit she wore, checking her appearance in a floor length mirror. She had thought about wearing a dress, but the fact that Chakotay was coming over to her place for dinner was already too much like a date. Though it pained her that he and Seven had begun a relationship, she wasn’t about to disrespect their choice to be together. So, she kept it simple in a suit, her hair swept back into a low ponytail. Her hair had gotten long again, and she didn’t always know what to do with it these days anyway.

She put out replicated vegetable biryani and a nice bottle of real wine just as the doorbell rang. She opened it to find a smiling Chakotay standing there, taller than she remembered, dimple deeper than she could recall.

“Hi, Kathryn.” He looked so good, his sweater and trousers well tailored to his form. He had gained a little weight since returning to Earth and he carried it well. Seven must be treating him well, she thought. “You look nice,” he said, leaning down to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“You look well, yourself,” Kathryn said, feeling her cheeks redden as his lips barely brushed her skin. “Come sit, I have biryani and some vino.” She cringed momentarily at her word choice. For the first time she could remember, she felt awkward around him, as if those warm brown eyes could see right through to her thoughts. 

They settled in to eat, filling their plates and pouring the wine. “Nice place you have here, Kathryn,” he said, glancing about the apartment. Oh how she loved the way her name sounded on his lips. As soon as the thought surfaced, she pushed it from her mind, reminding herself that this was just a catch up dinner, just like old times. But then again, those dinners often left her much to think about, not least of which was the way the Commander looked at her over the candlelight. It was for this reason that, for this dinner, she kept the lighting quite bright, not romantic in the least.

“Thank you. It’s likely temporary, I’m not certain I’ll stay in San Francisco long. I’m still working through the remaining bits of Starfleet red tape. As you know, the paperwork is mind boggling.” She smirked, knowing he had to do plenty himself.

“I can relate,” he said with a smile, taking a sip of wine, brown eyes searching her dark blue ones. She shifted under his gaze, feeling her cheeks pink slightly and hoping he wouldn’t notice. But with the way he was looking at her… she couldn’t help herself. She had to know. She took a breath, paused, then asked nonchalantly, “How’s Seven?”

The question seemed to startle him and a quizzical look came over his face. “What?” she asked, the silence hanging too long for her comfort. It was his turn to shift uncomfortably. “Am I missing something?”

“Seven didn’t tell you?” he asked. Kathryn shook her head, holding her breath in anticipation of what was possibly coming next. “We parted ways right after we arrived back on Earth. We were never serious, but once we returned it just seemed there wasn’t much we had in common.” He was measured and judicious, clearly not hurt but there was a tinge of regret in his voice.

“Oh,” Kathryn whispered. 

“I figured she would have told you. She’s settled in with her aunt, they’re getting to know each other. I haven’t spoken to her in a couple weeks but it sounds like she’s adjusting as well as she can, all things considered.” 

“That’s...that’s good to hear…” Kathryn didn’t know what else to say. She was almost ashamed at how happy this news made her. But quickly her happiness was replaced by trepidation. Just because he wasn’t with Seven didn’t mean he felt about her the way she felt about him. Though they had moments of attraction over the years, particularly on New Earth, it was presumptuous to think that would translate into a real chance at a relationship. 

Chakotay poured them both a second glass of wine, and the conversation turned to other matters. They chatted about this and that as they finished up their meal. The conversation was once again easy, like it had been before, and Kathryn let her mind relax into the flow. She cleared the dishes once they were finished and they retired to the couch with their wine glasses.

Kathryn kicked off her black slingbacked shoes, gently curling her legs underneath her. “It’s strange,” she said, the wine moving warm and slow through her blood. 

“What’s strange?” Chakotay held her eyes over his own wine glass as he took a sip, and there was something in that gaze she couldn’t put her finger on. 

“I was so worried you wouldn’t want to see me.”

“Why would you ever think that?” His eyes sparkled. Goddamn his eyes, she thought, the color of coffee. It made her weak.

“I was the cause of seven lost years of your life. And I didn’t approve of you and Seven.” She couldn’t believe she just spoke those words. She raised a finger to her lips, tapping them twice, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate of me.” There it was again, that taunting smile of his, accompanied by that damned dimple. 

“In vino veritas. In wine there is truth,” he quipped. He reached out to take her free hand from her lips and brought her fingers up to his own. He kissed them softly and gently. “Kathryn, you know how I feel about you.”

Her heart hammered in her chest. “Chakotay,” she whispered. “Still? I thought…” she drifted off, unsure really of what she thought anymore.

“Yes, still. Listen, Kathryn,” he said, and oh, how she loved the way he said her name, “I understood. You had the world on your shoulders. I tried to make sure you knew I always had your back, but there was no way we could’ve been anything more than colleagues. There was too much at stake.”

Kathryn took a sip of wine, mostly to hold back the tears that threatened to surface. She realized he had not let go of her hand, and she sat staring down at their entwined fingers. 

“Kathryn? Are you okay?” Chakotay said, and she realized she had been silent. She looked up to meet his gaze, nodding. Slowly, she set her wine glass down on the coffee table, reached up, and gently traced the tattoo over his eyebrow, her palm coming to rest on his cheek, her thumb barely brushing his bottom lip. 

Her mind was made up. She had to see where this led, there was nothing standing in her way anymore. She was frightened by her own depth of emotion for this man, her best friend, the one who knew her better than almost anyone. But the fear was quickly overridden by a desperate curiosity to see what lay down the path she couldn’t take in the Delta Quadrant.

Kathryn pulled him close and their lips touched gently, tentative in their exploration. His lips were surprisingly soft and she felt a melting sensation deep in her belly. She pulled back to study his reaction. He brushed a stray lock of her hair behind her ear and kissed her again, slowly and sweetly. 

“I’ve been waiting a long time to do that,” she admitted, her voice low and husky. 

He kissed her again and again, pulling her closer, leaving her breathless. Things were getting heated, and her mind was racing as quick as her heart. This was so much to process, she never thought this night might end up like this, and she wasn’t prepared at all for this to get so physical. As his hand drifted from her cheek down to her breast, she pulled back, a gentle hand on his chest. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, pulling back.

“Nothing, I just... I just need a moment.” She took a deep breath as his worried eyes searched her face. “I’ve had a hard couple of days,” she admitted with a sigh. “Can we just...can we just slow down a bit?” 

Chakotay kissed her on the forehead and wrapped her up in a gentle embrace. “Of course. We have all the time in the world.” She leaned into him, tucking her head under his chin, her cheek against his chest. They stayed that way for a while, just reveling in each other’s presence in silence. Just as she was dozing off, he shifted and she sat up to look at him.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, blinking blearily.

“It’s okay, my arm was just falling asleep,” he said with a grin. “Why don’t you get some rest. Maybe we can see each other again soon?” 

She nodded, smiling back at him. “I would like that.”


End file.
